Wickedness hurts!

Dear friends

Most likely, you’ve been wronged and betrayed and slandered and deliberately lied to before…?

I don’t know what it was and don’t know how you got through and if the person that wronged you has been punished by GOD or not – but I know one thing for sure: it hurt – didn’t it?

If you haven’t always been a true Christian, like me, who has only been saved almost 5 years ago, do you also have the impression that the suffering only just began when you turned to CHRIST?

And if you’ve grown up as a believer and lived a godly life all your life, have you always been attacked and tried and challenged so much that you have thought you are unable to take anymore?

Is this our “normal” / “common” cross?
In addition to the individual cross we all have to carry?
Or do they combine into one cross?

And is it true that all of us have to suffer?
Is it really?
Are we wrong to believe that some brothers or sisters have it a lot easier, even if they are true believers…

No need to lie here, I literally have been feeling like Job, only difference I can see is that his suffering took but a few months and mine all the years since I got saved and many years before that – and that’s only the worst part of it, I have probably been suffering all my life and I can only recall one very short period of happiness in my life.
I am not trying to be pathetic or dramatic and I know it is not beneficial to confess these things and normally I don’t – and I know this won’t make me feel better to look at what is bad and wrong, but perhaps at some point, some brutal honesty and looking it right in the face is necessary – for the analysis’ sake….?

Because honestly, as much as I love THE LORD, I also refuse to lie to myself.

My life has been horrific in so many ways and in almost every area of life for many years.

Not saying this to complain, but to see if I can find GOD in it.

In the suffering and in the pain.

And to be even more honest, sometimes I feel that my suffering and the suffering of many others is worse than JESUS’, HE has “only” been in ministry and thus admired and persecuted for 3 years and then HE was released. Yes, HIS death was horrible, but it was over after 1 day… 3 years of suffering and then relief by death sounds a lot better than what I have been going through and still am – is this the phenomenon that we always think that someone else’s cross is lighter?

Am I having blasphemous thoughts when I cannot appreciate the trying through trials and all the blessings in disguise and want some real blessings, favour, great fortune, REAL mindblowing testimonies, answered prayers, MIRACLES, abundance – it’s all in the book is it not!

“I am come so that they might have life, and have it more abundantly.” (John 10:10)

Than the joy.

THE LORD is our joy.
“Rejoice in THE LORD always, and again I say, rejoice”.
What if I am so troubled in this life that I can’t find any joy at all and also can’t be happily looking forward to going to heaven?
What if I am starting to believe I am doing something wrong when NONE of my prayers ever gets answered and when I am literally “troubled on every side”?
How am I supposed to NOT be troubled, sad, worried and hurt?
What if THE COMFORTER doesn’t comfort me?

I am not saying that sin seems more appealing – I know that it won’t make me feel better, only worse.

And then again, I am sometimes even tempted to throw my holiness in the bin only to change things and since I can’t change them for the better, I might as well make things worse – only to change them and to have some sense of control over my life.

I know I am not in control of my life, but GOD is.

But when GOD lets the enemy control it completely, I get frustrated.

Don’t you?

And what about wickedness?

When people deliberately harm us as much as they possibly can?

And what if these people are even claiming to be Christians and are thus not just insulting us but also GOD?

I will keep being honest -I do not want to not worry about their punishment.

I have a strong desire for them to be punished.

Now.

And I even have a very specific idea about what I would like for them to receive as a punishment.

Sometimes and on most days, I can let it be and have peace in the middle of their wickedness – but when a new blow comes, I get angry.

Do you?

It is not my nature to not fight back. I have to work hard on letting go and letting GOD.

And in some cases, I even think (in the field of my work and career) I might have to do something, not sure if GOD wants me to…?
Not with their means, but with the methods “Caesar” has, grievance, law suit… have you been there, my friend?

All I can say it’s a lot.

Satanists are not just sitting on their meditation cushion and sending spells and evil mantras and hexes and curses.

They are in the workplace as well.

And they are often ambitious and have become managers.

Sometimes, they even disguise as Christians.

It is pure wickedness – if I could reveal all of it, it would give you the creeps…

Please pray for me, friends.

For wisdom and clear guidance from THE HOLY SPIRIT on my very next moves.

GOD has kept me.
HE has been faithful.
And has given me some victories over them, I am still there.
But I can’t say that I am unharmed, can’t say that “not one of my hairs has been singed in the fire” – that would be a lie.
I have been severely wounded.
They probably don’t know how much they’ve wounded me, but it hurts.
I might have to fight back – not just spiritually, but also in the worldly realm.
I will need a lot of strength to do that.
To be honest, I don’t want to and I have been avoiding the thoughts which would lead me there.

Please pray for me, friends.

For peace and healing.

Regardless if I decide to fight back, this is affecting me.
The wickedness is hurting me, it is making me angry, sometimes, I have physical symptoms like stomach aches, diarrhea, sleeplessness, my heart is pounding and there is this feeling that lets me know that there is evil present in my life and that they are trying to get me… the feeling comes mostly before another blow is coming my way or something they did is being revealed to me…

I am even sometimes thinking I want to start yet another new career or go to another country and start over – but I know that this will not solve the problem.

We can’t run away from the enemy or from the battles we are supposed to fight.
It doesn’t work.
The problem will follow us if we don’t solve it.
Just like in relationships.
There is a saying “if you carry old bricks to your new relationship, you will build the same house”.
Same goes for all other problems…

I believe GOD wants us to overcome.

Or shall I say not only wants us to, but forces us to if need be.

What I will now do is an inventory, spiritual stock take.
I remember some situations in my life when I was trying not to fight, but I had to – this might be one of them.

Please pray for me, friends.

For strength and for divine protection and for miraculous, victorious outcomes.

One thing is sure:
Without HIM, I cannot win and cannot find peace and healing.

So I thank GOD HE is there with me.

That’s all I can say.

And I pray that this will inspire, encourage and bless you.
And that THE LORD will bless you abundantly in all areas of your life. That HE will keep you and shine HIS face upon you, and bring you peace. In JESUS’ name I pray. AMEN.

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