My way

Dear friends

I can’t lie to you, I have been struggling with the situation at my workplace for the past weeks or more for months now… in fact, almost ever since I stepped into the area of my calling about 2 years ago – but the past is over and GOD removed the consequences of the past from me.

However, HE clearly ordered me to accept this job offer where I currently worked and although I was very reluctant to do so, as I looooooved my previous job, I did obey and the result was that I have had the worst year of my life job-wise since I joined there one year ago.

I have been asking GOD so many times why HE made me go there in the first place.

Not only that I hated it there from day one, I was discriminated, maltreated, bullied and overloaded with work and stupid, unnecessary tasks all the while and if that wasn’t enough, this stupid job took ALL (and I mean ALL!!!!) of my time, weekends, evenings, nights, I can’t tell you how many night shifts I did to meet the targets they had dumped on me, especially since my current manager came and I am telling the truth and nothing but the truth and from my best knowledge and not in order to be mean, but from my professional judgement with my experience of a former therapist when I tell you that she is behaving mean, cruel and narcissistic.

No kidding friends.

This job GOD ordered me to take has been a nightmare from HELL in so many ways.

There were some sweet moments and fulfilling successes, yes, when my clients changed their lives, when they stopped using drugs, when they thanked me for a support they had never received in their entire lives, when I was the only one in the entire office (and probably in the entire history of the service) to get a christmas present from one of my clients, but I payed dearly for these moments – too dearly if you ask me.
And last, but not least, not only was the job itself a horrific experience, there was also the grief that it didn’t even leave me enough time to spend with GOD and to work for HIM, which is the only reason why I wanted this job and any job in the field in the first place.

Someone from my church said “HE has called us to suffer with HIM.”
This sentence stirred me up and I got hit by it in the gut.
And I am not liking this statement at all.
At the same time, to some amount, I know it is true….

Am I refusing to take up my cross daily?

Is it an illusion that I can serve GOD in a position where I help others, others who are disadvantaged, marginalized, excluded and shunned by society, by showing them love and respect and giving them support in any way I can – isn’t that what we are all called to do?

But I am telling you friends, I am not good at ministering to colleagues with psychotic or neurotic traits or to narcissistic psychopathic managers.

I have all the patience in the world with my clients, who are offenders by the way.
And I get on with all of them.
I can talk to them.
They talk with me.
They know that I respect them and don’t judge them….

Managers, on the other hand, should know better than to bully their staff – at least that’s what I believe – don’t you, my friend?
That’s why I have zero tolerance and patience for them when they are displaying their inadequacies or to be frank, their mental health problems.
Why would I be tolerant towards them?
Why would I have compassion on someone who is abusing me and making my life a living hell, BECAUSE I am doing such a great job and BECAUSE my clients improve their lives.

It took me a while, but I get it now.
It’s not the goal.
Rehabilitation is not supposed to work.
The system is based on reoffending and on failure of treatments and interventions and sentences – that’s where the headcount for the staff is coming from, and if a client was gone and would never return after their supervision period, crime rates could effectively go down after all, now couldn’t they?
And then, what would happen to the system…?

I give up, friends.

I am praying for a different job and I have been asking MY FATHER to get me out of there for months now.

And so far, HE said “no”.

I wasn’t happy about it, especially not since the conditions there with my current manager are becoming worse every day…

But I have realized that if HE doesn’t grant me an upgrade and a better job, I won’t even get an interview…

And I have seen many statements on various platforms, as if they were haunting me, that trials are how GOD builds our character.

Besides, nobody has an easy and fun time at the moment… nobody is happier than before the pandemic… nobody likes to be locked in and forbidden to see their loved ones…

So it is true I guess – GOD is allowing me to be tried… HE has done that for many years now.

Do I like it?

No.

Would I prefer to have an easy life?

Yes.

I must be honest, although it IS probably true what my brother said, that HE has called us to join HIM in his suffering, I would still choose not to suffer if I had a choice – it is our nature, we are human, we want to feel positive feelings, want to be happy, loved, nurtured, accepted, appreciated…

EVEN IF that means we may not be carrying our cross.

Me, I believe I could serve HIM just as much, if not even more and even better, if I was happy…

Do you think that’s a blasphemic idea?

Me, I think it is also scriptural, just as suffering with HIM and for HIM is.

Remember the countless places in scripture where GOD’s blessings are mentioned and riches were bestowed on people by HIM, they were healed and they achieved all sorts of goodies, wisdom, knowledge, kingdoms, spouses, children, whatever they had been longing for…

What it comes down to is though, at least that’s my conclusion:

There is no point in struggling with what GOD wants for us.

Don’t get me wrong, I will keep praying and asking HIM for improvements, for upgrades, for blessings – in every area of my life where I think they are needed.

I don’t think I am making a mistake in my prayers or not being specific, expressive, persistent or diligent enough.

I have started fasting on 02/01, I tithe and give, I devoted my full time job to minister to offenders, I do my best to testify here and offline as best and as often as I can, I serve in my church, I care for my colleagues, friends and family and I spend time with GOD daily, as much as I can and I do my best to live a holy life – although I don’t always get it right, but I am trying hard!

And yet, there is nothing I can do if GOD chooses suffering for me.

There is nothing I can do to end my circumstances if HE won’t allow them to end.

The fact of the matter is, I will stay there as long as HE decides for me to stay there.

I could leave without having a new job, true, and I might… but only if HE tells me so.

I will not take my fate in my own hands.

Not anymore.

I have been spiritually DEAD when I lived my life according to MY WILL and MY WAY.

Now, I am not always happy, but I am spiritually well, I know the TRUTH, I have ETERNAL LIFE, I am loved by HIM, I am HIS child and HiS friend and HE speaks to me, HE is always with me and this is more than I ever had when I was without HIM.
I know that I am safe now, although my outside circumstances reflect this sometimes less than the ones before when I seemed safe but truly wasn’t.

There is no turning back.

Nobody has the truth but OUR GOD, the GOD of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, the GOD of Israel, JEHOVA, YAHWEH, ADONAI, ELOHIM, EZE, IGWE, JESUS CHRIST.

Only HE decides what will happen with me and to me.

There is nothing without HIM.

I will not try to do it “my way”.

THY will be done, FATHER GOD.

If THOU wilt, take this cup from me….

How about you, my friend?
What is your experience with your way and HIS will in your life?
We would love to hear your thoughts.

I hope and pray that this will inspire, heal and encourage you. And that THE LORD will bless you richly in all areas of your life, that HE will keep you and shine HIS face upon you and bring you peace. In JESUS’ name I pray. AMEN.