From lack To gift

Dear friends

One of the leaders in my church, he leads one of the groups I belong to, and the way this brother leads the group is exactly what I consider to be demonstrating the “servant leadership” OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST has practiced.
I am old enough to know how difficult it can be to manage and to lead me!
And yet, he is always supportive, always understanding, always patient – he listens very well, he keeps encouraging me and telling me at the same time that my expectations towards the church and towards what we can do with the ministry probably won’t be met.
And the funny thing is, he does it in a way that actually relieves me and I can accept it and go back to my peace and move on and trust GOD to make a way and to send the support I will need from another source if my church will not provide it.
I don’t really know how he does it exactly, but I always feel better asking him and I who tends to know everything better like to follow his advice, which is very remarkable – I think I would describe his leadership style as leading “like a loving father”…..

Which brought me this idea I want to explore further today.

I know that this brother has lost his father very early when he was very young, too young!!!
He is himself a father of many children today, I believe he has 3 or 4 kids, and I also believe – without knowing exactly what he does for work or how high he may be in the hierarchy there, I do believe he is a manager, probably a senior manager – in the world, and a leader in the church, however, I believe he is not has high as I personally would reckon he belongs, and my assumption is that the reason for this is that he rather stays true to his beliefs and ideas and to what he really wants to do, rather than conforming to the “type” they would let rise to the top leadership “squad” – and as for me, I don’t know him too well, but what I know is that I like him for NOT being like some of the higher leaders in the church, who are in my perception much further away from JESUS than he is!

But the point I wanted to look at is this:
do you think he is able to give such and so much father-like love because this is exactly what he has been lacking in his life?

And when I tell him that I appreciate him so much as a leader, he doesn’t even seem to be aware of how good he is at leading with love and humility and patience – all the fruits of the spirit….?

There’s actually another brother in my church who is also full of wisdom, patience, kindness, gentleness and he has also been a great source of support and learnings for me as well, I was truly looking forward to learning from him every time when he gave me a lift for part of my journey home on those days when we were serving together…. again, I don’t know much of his history or current situation other than something personal which is also related to “father love” – and these 2 examples kept me thinking that this may not be a coincidence?????

When I look at the feedback I myself have been receiving from my clients and the people I pray for, it seems that I am very good at encouraging people and empowering them and giving them strength and courage to achieve their goals and to make all the necessary changes, however hard that may be!
And at the same time, my clients say they feel accepted and respected just the way they are rather than criticized too much and thus making them feel defensive and making them close down to my input and interventions.
If this is my strength or special talent – it would also to 100% match my main lack growing up!!!
I was treated as the “black sheep”, always criticized beyond measure, gaslighted and belittled by my narcissistic mother, used for their marriage toxicity as a scapegoat, never emotionally fed or catered to, all my emotions were constantly invalidated, I was neglected constantly, have never been appreciated for who I was, have not been supported, abused, spoken down on, manipulated, rejected, not been listened to – I, too, seem to have been able to learn how to excel in the exact areas I have been “under-nurtured” myself!!!
I see it in the eyes of my clients when we speak, I see that they are normally rejected and that they are healing from the acceptance I am able to give them… that it fills them up with something they were never given… so in my case, it could also be true that my lack became my gift.

Let’s see if we can find some other examples – in the bible perhaps?

Ok, take Paul for instance – he is the one who wrote the most books in the New Testament, the one who added the most souls to the kingdom after killing and persecuting Christians prior to his change of heart – he also had this “thing” he was best at, convincing people that JESUS is the ONLY TRUE GOD, the very thing he was worst at before.

Not too sure if I have a foolproof theory here, but when I was training as a therapist and also when I see people working for charities, I have often come across people who have been vulnerable in a specific area in their lives and now want to give back and support others as they have received support when they needed it……

I can even confirm that myself, when I started on my own “journey”, I was seeking answers to the deep questions of life and also seeking to overcome the consequences and inadequacies from the childhood abuse I had suffered, the therapeutic tools and methods I learned seemed to be working (at first) on me and I also saw them work on others (for a while), so it seemed to make a lot of sense to learn this “stuff” and help others with those methods and tools.

Just like I know that part of what makes me such a good sparring partner for my clients in prison is my own history – and for some reason, unlike other victims of abuse or of crime, GOD has given me a heart and a burden for the perpetrators, not for the victims…… and I don’t even see them as perpetrators – which is probably what differentiates me from everyone else they are ever speaking to – but I deeply understand that these “perpetrators” are victims themselves.
Hardly anyone I have ever spoken with came from a healthy family.
I can only remember one actually, and he happened to start using heroin when his doctor refused to prescribe any more pain killers for his back pain – out of physical pain.
And then everything went spiraling downwards…. until I met him in prison where he was serving an 9 year long sentence because they thought he was a terrorist and he had written some pretty crazy stuff whilst he was high, but that’s all it was – at least I and everyone from the “charity people” in that prison believed that he was completely innocent and even incapable of committing a crime like the one he was accused of…..
There are some people who started using drugs for physical pain, but the majority I would say wanted to numb an emotional pain, or fill an emotional gap, lack or emptiness they had been feeling…. at least that’s my experience from speaking with many men I have worked with over the years….
And some of them manage to overcome their addiction and one of the ways I’ve seen which helps them immensely to remain abstinent is to become a peer mentor and / or a Recovery Worker themselves – the reward they get from helping others overcome their addictions as well is keeping them strong and “on track” and they are less likely to relapse, as it gives them a sense of purpose to be able to help others.

Perhaps that’s the secret?

Perhaps we are all trying to some extent to heal our own ancient wound(s) by giving others the support, the acceptance, the assurance, the respect, the care, the love and the encouragement we never had, by treating them better than we ourselves have been treated….?!

I believe that is so.

When I became a manager for the first time, I was very intentional and determined to not repeat the same things previous managers had done which I hadn’t appreciated – and also doing my best to do those things which had made me feel well supported and appreciated!

My very first manager was the best manager in the world, he was like a father to me and an even better father than my own father – it was a dream to work with him and our working relationship was much more than “just” a boss with his helper – he was my mentor and I also became close with his wife.
I had just come fresh from uni and had no clue about anything, but he had 100% trust in me, in my efforts and in my talents. He would never tell me what to do or how to do something, how to approach a task he had given me, and would always let me come up with something and then he made me present my ideas to the board of directors and he was so proud when I attended their meetings to present my work – exactly like a proud dad!!! – and his wisdom and experience and patience was unparalleled – what he taught me about building working relationships and how to read people and understand their motives, it is still with me until this day – and boy was I shocked and disappointed when I had to learn in my following jobs that not every manager is like that – in fact, none I had afterwards was like this…………

So what I understand from this exploration today is that I myself have been looking for people, managers, therapists, teachers, pastors, leaders within the church, who would lead with fatherly and CHRIST-like qualities:
kindness, gentleness, patience, assurance and love.

And yes, I am also striving to be a leader like JESUS – in fact, I am doing my best to be like HIM in all situations, not just regarding my leadership.
Probably, this is true for me trying to be like a perfect father to the people I lead / work with / minister to – and the rest of the feedback I received also makes sense when I see it from the perspective that I am trying to give what I never received from my mother, too…….

So all in all, it proves to be accurate that GOD uses what the enemy meant for our evil and turns it around for our good and the good of others.
And it is also true that HE uses broken people and that our suffering brings forth our ministry.

I have seen many colleagues in the charity sector, unbelievers, who are trying to still heal themselves and take away more from everyone (probably including their clients) than they are bringing, and walking around with their wound exposed so that everyone can see it, and it is hard to watch and hard to not get involved, not to let them pull us into their drama and neediness…….whilst this pattern is very common amongst our client cohort, I personally don’t respond well to it when it is professionals who are acting this way…… but in the end, we are probably all out there hoping to receive something we never had and we are too human to focus on giving alone – like GOD did.

So to answer my own question, does our lack become our gift, I would say it does.

And we will at some point bless others in the exact area where we ourselves have not been cared for enough, have not received enough…….. that’s my conclusion.

What do you think, my friend?

Does it make sense to you and does it apply to something you are doing in your life to help others, even your own children perhaps, or maybe a sort of ministry you are engaging with because you don’t want others to feel like you felt when these things weren’t available for you…?
Please feel free share with us in the comment section.

I hope and pray that this will encourage, inspire, heal and bless you.
And that THE LORD will bless you abundantly in all areas of your life; that HE will keep you and shine HIS face upon you and bring you PEACE. In JESUS name I pray. AMEN.