Defeat!

Dear friends,

We’ve all been there – when what we were hoping and praying for didn’t come through.

But have you also been there when something you thought was from GOD wasn’t?
Or when it made absolutely no sense that it could possibly be from HIM??
When you misheard HIM or thought you must have?
Perhaps out of a desire which clouded your hearing….?
If you have been there, you will most likely agree with me that nothing hurts more!

And I will share some of it.
Although it’s very personal.
And although it is extremely embarrassing, too!!
But this is also my second time that this happens to me in the same area – and I want to make sure it will be my last time and I also want us all to share the lesson, so that those of you who are wise, attentive and teachable (unlike me lol) will not have to go through what I am going through at the moment…

So it started about one year ago – when this man, who works in a different department of the prison where I work (he is one of the higher managers there), came to my office to inquire about one of my clients – I updated him on the case and at the same time, when he was standing in front of me (I hadn’t seen him before, at least not consciously), I heard a voice, which I identify as the voice of GOD, a voice I am very familiar with and a voice I hear often, this voice was speaking into my right ear and saying loud and clear “this is your husband!”
As I said, I hadn’t seen this man before.
And the prison is very big, in fact one of the biggest in Western Europe! – and many people work there.
Obviously, I know enough to identify a manager when I see one…. and there’s ways to see their names in the directories, so it didn’t take long until I knew his name… in fact, I bumped into him again on the same day and a lot during the following weeks and months…

However, I didn’t know him and I had no idea if he was married or not and if he was attracted to me or not – I didn’t even know if I was attracted to him???

So I didn’t take any action and sought GOD about it – especially since I had definitely “misheard” GOD before in this area, 3 years before, which had led to the biggest heartbreak and the most miserable time of my entire life!

Like I said, I didn’t do anything – but GOD did – at least I thought it was HIM!
I had dreams, visions, prophetic words, people mentioned his name to me, prisoners, colleagues – and I kept seeing him – however, I didn’t do anything, although I felt prompted many times to speak to him….
And from what I had observed, I was 100% sure that he finds me attractive!
His entire body language always changes whenever he sees me…
He always said something to me….
However, I was very cautious and did not want to make the same mistake again, so I waited 6 months and I had so many words about him from GOD, had so many signs and confirmations that I can’t even mention them all here, however, perhaps I should go into this more deeper in the future, because it has now turned out I was completely wrong!

I did message him, he responded, then the misunderstandings began, he didn’t respond, I deleted my messages, I wanted to “write him off” and move on, but I was unable to, GOD kept talking to me about him, and a few months after he had ignored me after me first making contact, he asked if he could speak to me, told me his story, apologized, asked if we could be friends, and we picked up the communication again… only to have more misunderstandings….he is not married (like the previous man where I had misheard GOD and this man had lied to me about it for months!!!), but he has many “issues”!
He said his marriage was toxic and from seeing only a few of his patterns, I can already see his part of why it must have turned sour!!!
I am not naive, friends, after all, I am a trained therapist and I work with disfunctional men every day!!!
Me myself, I am not perfect either, especially not with my past and all the abuse I have been through – so I am not expecting GOD to send me Mr. Perfect, just thought that our issues would be more “complementing” each others’ – if that makes sense?
There was one “red flag” and I did address it and also mentioned it to GOD – it made me doubt very much if this is truly from GOD!
I may as well say what it is:
I have been praying for a godly husband and no unbeliever would ever come near me!!!
So in one of our first little chats, I had asked him if he is born again and he confirmed, however, now, he told me that although his brother is a pastor and he worships at a Christian church, he is a Catholic!!!!!
Friends, that’s a deal-breaker for me!
And I know some of you may consider catholics Christians, but me, I don’t.
And I have no idea how someone who is a Catholic is supposed to lead me in spiritual matters and how I am supposed to submit to him????

FATHER, what were YOU thinking?

And that’s not all.
He displays some other areas where he obviously needs deliverance.
And I mentioned it – ever so gently, as I know how many people, especially men, don’t appreciate to hear about these matters, let alone from a woman…. he did say he was going to read the book I suggested – but I doubt it!

To cut a long story short – this man is NOT my husband, definitely not!
And he himself doesn’t believe he is either!!!
He rejected me and I got hurt.

The issues we have had are probably very similar to the ones we both had in our marriages (he is also divorced like me), my ones for sure and at least from what I know about his ones, this is also true – he told me a lot about it and from what got triggered in me via our connection, I know this is exactly what I struggled with in my marriage, in fact, what made me open up to seek help from the wrong sources – instead of going to GOD, whom I didn’t truly knew at the time, I went to seek help and solutions in the New Age / the occult, and ended up not only losing my marriage, but also everything else, being severely demonized and I also almost died…..

Not making these same mistakes now.
I am taking my pain to GOD.

However, I am deeply shaken – mainly because I was SO SURE this was GOD, nobody and nothing else, not the enemy, not my flesh, not my desires!!!
The very same voice I have been obeying and following many times in my life!!!

Yes, I have been praying for a husband, but I would have never made the first step, I am not even of the view that a woman should ever do that, however, it was the very same feeling as in other cases when THE HOLY SPIRIT was prompting me to do something, prompting me so strongly and so clearly and so often, that I am unable to resist!
I have even fasted, prayed, sought GOD’s face SO many times, for MONTHS, before I did this, and I am 100% convinced that it didn’t come from me, but that I was obeying GOD.

But now, it is extremely clear that this is not going to happen!
And I am not even open for reconciliation any longer.

This man could crawl on the floor with roses in his mouth and a ring in his hand and I wouldn’t even want him anymore!
Why would I put myself in a situation where I would be 100% certain that I would always get hurt???

Of course, I will forgive him, but I will not give him access to my life and to my heart again!

It’s just that I don’t want to go through this ever again!!!!!

Thank GOD that the truth came out this time before anything happened, but still, it was very painful, especially since it was going on for a year before it turned out to be NOT from GOD, it cannot possibly be!!!

And I am still not feeling a relief, although I definitely know it’s over before it even began, because I made it clear that I no longer wish to communicate, and this man is very proud and will never even try to chase me, especially since he doesn’t even fancy me!

I am just so annoyed that I didn’t leave it in the first place and put myself through all this shame and lost 1 year of prayer to this!
What a waste!

And my question is, GOD, why did YOU put me through this?

If someone is not for me, can I not just live my life and leave them alone?

Why did I have to bother this man?

For him to reject me and for me to go through this disappointment?

What’s wrong with me?

What’s wrong with my spiritual hearing?

Because GOD, YOU wouldn’t deliberately direct me into a failure, now, would YOU?

Would HE?????

I know it sounds silly, but I still believe it was HIM.
Directing me there.
But what for????

Did HE want to show me that I haven’t cleansed myself enough spiritually, haven’t learned enough in all these years, have not submitted to HIM enough, and still attracted to men with the same “issues”?
Could it be that HE wants me to learn that HE is the only one who will never disappoint me?
Or perhaps is HE testing me before HE will send me a good man???

Currently, I believe that this is all just too hard and that marriage is probably not for me.

I have done all I can, even prayed for HIS will to be done and for HIM to guide me – for years now!

And I am even unsure if I should now still go ahead and become a prison officer in this prison, where this man might be my boss?

What a nightmare, friends!

But I can’t stay in the old job either.

I have not only brought myself into a situation which is currently embarrassing, but may be even more so when I will show up and he may be in a position of authority over me.

Again – what a nightmare!!!

This can’t truly be from GOD, now, can it?

I don’t even truly know what to pray for at this point, friends, if I had a magic wand, I would find a new job in a different prison, town, perhaps even country, and that very fast!!!

All that comes to mind is Job.

I have compared my life to Job’s many times.

Only that so far, I never received double for my trouble and only that GOD never blessed my latter end more than my beginning, at least not yet…..

Or trials and errors make us refined…

Or to cast all our burdens on HIM…

I cannot stop asking myself how could I have avoided this embarrassment???

Maybe that’s not what it is about.

I have not done anything wrong!

I have shown this man my appreciation and my interest.

Have even carefully read his signs before I did.

Perhaps that was where I went completely wrong!
But why did he insist of opening the conversations again after 6 months of silence?
I would have never done that!
Even though I was sad about it….

Actually, the only one I am truly annoyed at is GOD – that HE led me into this complete mess, misled me to believe this man is for me.

HOW????

But what can I do?

It’s too late now.

I cannot “unmessage” this man 🙂

But I definitely would if I could!!!!!!!!

I am not happy about what GOD put me through – another failure.

Not appreciative of this experience at all.

Completely unnecessary.

What it feels like is as if the demons who are in both of us have won over GOD’s will – IF it is true and it has been HIS will…. or perhaps, the devil succeeded in making me believe it was from GOD but it never was and this was just another attempt to discourage and frustrate me – and it worked!!!

Just hoping this will be the last time I fall into this trap.

I am definitely done.

FATHER, please, can I ask that YOU will teach me what I need to learn without all this pain?
I know that I am not perfect and only YOU are, and that there is a LOT I yet have to learn, but can we just talk about it in private in the future without me having to make a complete fool out of myself???????
Thank you LORD.
In JESUS’ name I pray.
AMEN.

Friends, I hope you learned something from my shame.

That’s why I am sharing it here.

May GOD bless you and keep you and shine HIS face upon you. And give you PEACE.