How to heal from narcissistic abuse

Dear friends

there are people out there who are firmly in satan’s hands.
Their evil traits manifest in many shapes, forms and sizes and most of them do some sort of evil to others and thus to themselves.
Yet, only few of them ever come to the point where they even fully understand what is going on, let alone where they can get relief and healing and stop hurting others.

The first thing I want to say is this:
JESUS CHRIST can heal anyone of anything.
No matter what it is.
No matter if you, my friend, have been the victim or the perpetrator, JESUS can help you and heal you.
And if you give your life to HIM, you can become a new creature and all the old will be passed away and all your sins will be forgiven, no matter what they were.

With that said, this following post is for those who have been afflicted by narcissistic abuse and who are mainly on the victim side.
And who’s offender is not sorry, is not willing to stop and is not apologizing at all.

Obviously, if we can, we could get away from them and their abuse.
But this will most likely not solve the issue completely and for good and in some cases, it is also not easy as they are often family members and we still want to see the rest of the family, so we may have to find a way to avoid them and their abuse in the middle of the presence of others.

As I have mentioned on this blog, I am a survivor of many types of abuse and I am spiritually very well today and you, too, can be healed completely and for good!

I want to share a few things that I learned on my recovery journey, today, I want to focus on narcissistic abuse. And I hope and pray that my findings and experiences will help you, my friend.

I believe we all come across a narcissist in our lives – and depending on how early this is, we can defend ourselves or sense the evil and get out – or not (because we are a child and because we are unable to go elsewhere).
In fact, chances are if you have come across one, you will most likely come across more.

Why is that so?

Because the narcissist who hurt us first will leave an open wound.
And the type of wound will affect us and will let us navigate through life in a certain way and compared to other people who do not have this open wound, we are more likely to be found by other narcissists and they will repeat the abuse – if we let them and if we haven’t healed…
It is as if we had a certain type of smell and the flies would be attracted to us… in a spiritual sense.

Because the first thing to understand is this:
#1 every narcissist will only attack whom (and as long as) they CAN.
They will not get any satisfaction or gratification from attacking someone whom they cannot hurt.

#2 The good news is you can break this cycle.
To be precise, it is not you, but JESUS who will break you free.

Today, I want to share with you how I healed and broke free from a lifelong abuse by my parents, mainly my narcissistic mother, but due to her abusing the entire family including my father, he obviously became her helper and victim at the same time, instead of protecting me (and himself) from her wickedness.

Many people who are coming from toxic family backgrounds are searching for help when they are grown-ups, just like I have, and then when they discover some sort of therapeutic help, encounter some practitioners and methods which ease their pain, some of them even decide that they themselves want to learn these methods and help others just as they have been helped.

That’s exactly how I became a therapist.
And every single therapist I have ever spoken to has confirmed the very same reason of why they got involved in the first place.
In my case, this was many, many years ago.
And I believe the journey is similar for many people.
They leave their parents’ house in their early twenties and depending on how messed up they are at that point, they take some time to first enjoy their freedom and then, when there is a little distance to their parents and their “treatment”, they become aware what has been going on and after a phase of blaming their parents for some issues they are facing, they begin to realize that there is stuff that needs to be dealt with – and then they start looking.
This is for people who don’t have JESUS in their lives – or who do not fully know about HIS healing powers – perhaps because they are attending a church where the leaders believe in therapy…?
Me, although coming from a background of being a therapist myself, I do NOT believe that therapy can help you – at least not WITHOUT JESUS.
I believe this because I didn’t get better and did not see any clients of mine (or of other therapists, my teachers, who were very famous therapists) get better long term – the issues always came back… only when I found THE LORD did I get healed.
Obviously, if I had been born again earlier, I would have called on HIM much earlier – but at the same time, I believe that GOD always uses our past and our troubles for our good and the good of others, so now, I can share and hopefully someone will benefit from my experiences and findings.

#3 The origin of abuse is always abuse
Friends, perhaps you know that I work in prison with clients who are struggling with substance misuse. We sometimes speak about their crime, but not always… I have had a few clients who are in prison for sexual offences – and I have yet to speak to ONE who hasn’t been sexually violated themselves, most of them by their parents or siblings or both… me, I do not believe that this is a coincidence and I oftentimes wonder if I am talking with a perpetrator or with a victim.
In case of my narcissistic mother, I also know that she herself was abused by her parents.
AND she is empty inside, does not believe in anything and anyone, an atheist who is relying on their own power and has control issues. She has been cruel and mean to my father and to me as long as I can remember – she is now a grandmother and wants to fool everyone into believing that she is a good person – mainly does she probably want to convince herself.
I am not trying to excuse anyone who is abusing others, don’t get me wrong!
I don’t condone abuse, I am just trying to help us to see it more clearly and to understand it a little better. Pain always comes from pain and emptiness and helplessness.
Especially now that my mother is nearing the end of her life, it is clear to see how she herself is also aware of how she has wasted her entire life and how she has done so much wrong – but without JESUS, it is impossible to overcome this and to repent and turn the other way…
I have tried to speak to her about GOD many times and I have also prayed for her of course, but with these recent acts of wickedness, I have now been released from her case and I was instructed to no longer pray for her – and I won’t.
I have forgiven her and for me, the issue is solved.
What she does and has done is entirely her problem.
Which leads me to

#4 Their behavior is entirely up to them
The more you realize that you are NOT responsible for the abuse, that it is NOT your fault, I repeat, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! – the better for you.
They will most likely keep doing what they do.
With or to you.
And with others or to others – at least to those who let them.
The good thing is, when they get older, their circle of influence shrinks…
The responsibility for their behavior is entirely on their account.
AND for the hurt they have caused.
Me, I found this very comforting.
And it helps me still.
GOD is not going to let my mother get away with what she has done.
Even if nobody believed me and everybody believed her (denial and lies are part of the “program”) – GOD has seen her.
HE knows!
She will be judged.
Perhaps she is already in the middle of it… because there are some things happening with her health that are not good – maybe GOD is already allowing the devil to afflict her…
Me, I don’t wish her any bad thing – mainly because I do not want to sin and do not want to harm myself. But I must be completely honest with you, and I must admit that I will not be sorry for her or sad if I get to witness when she will experience GOD’s punishment.

#5 They are fully responsible and that also entails that it is crystal clear to you that there is absolutely nothing you can do to change the narcissist.
This is very, very important for anyone who wants to heal, my dear friend!
You CANNOT expect a change from a narcissist.
If they say they will change, it is a lie.
And if you believe this lie, you will get hurt again.
In fact, if circumstances or people have forced a narcissist to apologize, their abuse is likely to increase and move to another level.
They do not have remorse in them.
They are always right and never make mistakes.
They are NOT sorry for what they have done.
All they want is to keep the dynamic going or to keep some sort of fake facade.
In the case of my narcissistic mother, I have had many, many years to prove this to be true. Every time I have forgiven her and reconciled with her, it was only a matter of time before she did the same sort of thing to me – only worse!
It is very important to her to keep the facade of a functioning family alive towards other people and when I completely cut them off, she had to admit that she has no contact with me, which meant she seemed as if her family wasn’t perfect.
She had to apologize to bring me back – but that only meant for her that she can no longer be mean so openly, and if she is, she sometimes has to apologize. But other than other people when they apologize, the narcissist doesn’t apologize because they are sorry they hurt you and because they will do their best not to do it again, no, that’s not why a narcissist apologizes.

#6 a narcissist only apologizes because and when they have to
Maybe they will definitely lose you if they don’t apologize.
Maybe others have directly or indirectly forced them to do so.
They may apologize to you, probably half-hearted and perhaps even pressured by the rest of the family, but you will know that this apology doesn’t come from their heart.
OR they may even apologize earnestly, but still, it is not remorse because they hurt you, it is either they are sorry they got caught and are regretting their own hurt, or you cut them off and they now lack the narcissistic supply you have provided and there is a void in their life which would first need to be filled with another victim they can afflict.

#7 It is like food for them
They feed on other people’s pain, on conflict.
There MUST be conflict and strive in their lives, otherwise, they cannot find rest.
That means they must always have negativity and pain around them.
That again means that if you manage to get away from them, someone else will be the victim.
In my case, the fewer or lesser my mother had the opportunity to torment me (because I moved out or even cut them off completely for many years), the more she attacked my dad.
And the more she did attack and afflict me, the better their marriage had been… I know it’s sick, isn’t it?
But that’s the way it works.
They CANNOT be at peace.
Not only because they don’ t have the peace of CHRIST.

Also because
#8 Peace threatens them
They do not know what peace is and from their experience, peace is often also not a good thing.
Perhaps their father, who was an alcoholic, was gone in the pub and that was the only time when it was quiet in the house, but it also meant that the storm was about to come…
Or perhaps it is just that when it is quiet, they must face the reality that their relationships and their life is completely messed up.
There is NO peace in a narcissist and for a narcissist.
Peace means they are not controlling the situation.
Peace is not what they want to achieve – in fact, it makes them nervous, because they cannot enjoy it and they will do what they can that nobody around them can have peace.

#9 Your response is your power
The narcissist “thrives” ( in their twisted way) when you get upset, hurt, when you cry or even offend them – the last one is actually their favorite response because it gives them permission to punish you or to prove that you are the evil one or to blame or shame you.
They will make absolutely sure that no one will ever see them provoke you.
In my case, everybody, including my dad, who does not have the ability to see through her schemes until this day (she is a psychologist and he is a chemist, does not have these inter-personal skills to analyze these things) they all believed I was a difficult child and teenager.
Which I was.
But no child or teenager is born angry.
Has anyone ever wondered about where my anger came from?
Me, I know.
And I believe that it was plain to see for everyone what was happening in our family.
Only that nobody wanted to look at it – she had them all fooled.
Which is so common.
But the good thing is that situations are fluent, they change.
People grow up.
Victims learn…
That’s what is the worst for a narcissist, if their victim becomes immune against their attacks.

Me, I wouldn’t say I am completely 100% immune against the attacks of my mother.
But this is a good thing and also something that I am proud of, because it means for me that I am not as ice-cold as she is.
Me, I am a loving, considerate person.
I care about the effect of my words or actions for other people and I do my best not to hurt others.
And I believe that is not only a good thing, but also a christian thing to do and for me, it is the right way to navigate through life.
If I have accidentally caused pain for another person, I apologize to them and I do my best not to hurt them again.
That’s how I like to live…
And I like the fact that I am not immune against ANY abuse!

And my life, who I have become, the peace I have in me, the fruit everyone can see in my life, that’s actually the best revenge!
It is what has brought about the most recent attack by my mother.
She cannot stand to see me like this.
Whole.
Grown.
Healed.
It eats her alive.
Which is very sad indeed, but it is true.
And this is also an important factor I believe:

#10 the narcissist will attack the more the more you are evolving and healing
This is a principle which I find true for all evil beings and people!
The devil, too, does this: the attacks will always get worse, the closer you are to your spiritual breakthrough. If you will, you can view it as some sort of tantrum, they are furious that you got away and now they are increasing the intensity of the attacks, they fire with all they have!
But what it really does is it only demonstrates their level of desperation.
Deep down inside, they know that they have already lost.
And it makes them feel SO inadequate, powerless, helpless – makes them feel so much worse than when they were still able to hurt you, because putting others down or destroying them is the only way they know how they can feel in control.
Let me say that again, because if you fully understand this, it will heal you:
Only through putting others down and afflicting them can they feel some sort of power, satisfaction and can they feel as if they are in control. If they can control someone, even if it is just in a negative way, they can fool themselves that they are in control of something. Why it is so often someone close to them whom they are abusing is because it gives them the illusion if they control someone in their family, that it must mean that they are in control of their own life.
This leads to a very important conclusion, to what I call “the golden rule” of how to deal with a narcissist:

#11 the fewer they know about your life, the fewer points to attack you present, the more difficult it gets for them and the more you can maintain your freedom
This is not only a good strategy to overcome the attacks.
It is also very comforting and the best thing about it is, they are the first to know about it!
Take my mother for instance:
for many years now, my mother has absolutely no clue about my private life.
And this is the way it will remain for the rest of her life.
Because what she doesn’t know is where she cannot inject her poison into.
I will take this as far as possible.
My mother will have no contact with any of my friends and if it were entirely up to me, also not with a future spouse.
Obviously, it takes two to get married and I will ask my future husband about this and I will most definitely respect his wishes, but if it were up to me, we wouldn’t involve my mother and thus my parents at all if I got married again.
This will be the best and only way to avoid bringing her poison to our marriage.
Like I said previously, I live in a different country and my parents are both old and unable to travel, so they would never, ever find out whom I live with – and I think that’s a very good thing. I even think that is GOD granting me life circumstances so that I will be shielded from the evil plots and intrigues of my mother.
We will see what will happen.
If my future spouse wants to meet my parents, I will honor his request, but I will prepare him very well for what he is about to encounter and I will make sure that we are very well prepared for my mother’s poison – the last time I was married, she almost managed to break us apart, but this is another story for another day… if it were up to me, the farther my parents stay out of my future marriage, the better.

Friends, I think you get the point.
Narcissists cannot pollute and attack what they don’t know about.

To sum it up, I believe living a good life, taking care of yourself, setting boundaries, keeping the narcissist as far from you as possible or at least at bay, to guard your heart, to make sure you let GOD help you and heal you, these are the best ways I know to overcome narcissistic abuse.

And last, but not least, to remember who you are in CHRIST, my friend.

GOD loves you.
Regardless if your parents do or did love you or not.
WE have a FATHER.
A GOOD FATHER.
One who will always love us and never, ever wrong us or leave us or hurt us.

And giving your life to HIM will be paramount for you if you are suffering from the consequences of narcissistic abuse.
Because not only will GOD heal you completely, HE will also make sure you know your worth in HIM and that you do not let users and violators into your life again!

Of course, we must always forgive.
But that doesn’t mean that we allow them to do it over and over again.
There must be consequences if they are not changing!

Me, I will go back home tomorrow and I am not sure I will return to my parents any time soon.
I have told my dad that she will have no more chances from me.
That I will find a way to be around her as long as he is still around and alive, but once he will have gone home to be with THE LORD (my dad is the only believer in the family), I will no longer keep contact with her.
My dad doesn’t like this and he believes it is not a solution.
I told him that he, too, should have left her and I said that I respect his decision, but I am no longer available for her abuse.

And I will go home tomorrow in peace and will continue to live my life in peace.

Knowing that I have done what I could to reconcile, that I have forgiven and that I have moved on and will no longer allow abuse.
Knowing that this is GOD’s will for my life -. because I have asked HIM about every single step on my journey. And HE has been with me, has loved me, has given me comfort, council and wisdom.
And I thank GOD that I survived the abuse.

So will you, my dear friend.
GOD will help you and take you through!

I hope and pray that this will encourage, inspire, heal and bless you.
And that THE LORD will bless you abundantly in all areas of your life.
That HE will keep you and shine HIS face upon you and bring you peace.
In JESUS’ name I pray.
AMEN.