when I am angry at GOD – yeah, you read correctly, I sometimes dare to be angry at GOD, HE is my father, HE knows what’s best for me and like every “earthly” child, I sometimes know better.
And then, I throw a tantrum.
Yes, I know that HE hates it and that some of the Israelites even died because of murmuring, but I am not really talking about murmuring, more about RAGING, kicking and screaming and crying, crying rivers and rivers and lamenting, being fully engaged in this conversation, in this pain, with ALL that I have…
I don’t think GOD hates that.
Because it is also love.
Because it is crying out to HIM, reasoning with HIM, lamenting to HIM.
If I didn’t love HIM, I would never let HIM see me like that, would never tell HIM all of my deepest, deepest hurt and pain and frustration.
Yes, and sometimes, I am frustrated with HIM.
Sometimes, I feel HE doesn’t help me enough, doesn’t give me enough, doesn’t love me enough…. like every child does.
I know perfectly well that we are not SUPPOSED to feel like that and that we are supposed to praise HIM and be grateful for what HE HAS done and not defiant or demanding or accusative for what HE has NOT done for us.
I even know that we are supposed to be grateful and praise HIM at times when we don’t feel happy, blessed and content.
I know all that.
And still, sometimes, I am angry and frustrated.
Because I am only human.
And I have human emotions, just like anyone else – I am not GOD, I am a woman… with weaknesses and human flaws, earthly desires… and I don’t think I will ever be perfect, not on this side of the rainbow…
So when I throw it all at HIM, there are a few “common points” I usually make – you may find them ridiculous, or perhaps you are doing the same thing?
Perhaps yours are similar???
All I know I have never heard anyone speak about these things – and many of you will probably be offended or won’t like me speaking like that.
For those of you who want to know and who will read on, here they are:
#1 when it comes to forgiveness, I ask HIM why HE wants us to forgive everyone and everything and if the person is our brother, we are even supposed to forgive them 70 times 7 times – and yet, HE hasn’t forgiven the devil and most likely never will?
Same with loving our enemies.
HE doesn’t, now, does HE?
#2 Yeah, and then the next one, we are supposed to identify with JESUS’ sufferings when HE was on earth, even supposed to be honored if we are afflicted for HIS sake, but my trials have been longer than 8 years now, I have been going through hell on earth for many years and JESUS only had to suffer 3 years and then HE was released from all pains.
#3 why are some people allowed to be happy and have spouses and families – AND serve GOD? Why is there no either or for so many people and yet, there seems to be only one of them possible for me?
#4 why has HE let me study and study, more than so many other people, and yet never given me any true power – to heal, to just lay hands on people or even on myself and their bodies will be made whole – or to prophesy, yes, I sometimes know things, but not like a prophet – or even to cast out the demons, not even the ones which are tormenting me – let alone the ones who are tormenting others?
This is basically what I ask GOD when I am angry.
What HE normally does, HE looks down at me like a loving father, like I look with so much love on little babies or toddlers when they are throwing a tantrum… and normally, these are the moments when I love them the most – not when they are happy and cute, but when they are kicking and screaming… because that’s when they need it the most.
And my questions or accusations are probably just as ridiculous and childish to HIM as when I see a little toddler arguing from his little world…
But when I see them, even though my heart goes out to them, that doesn’t mean they will get what they want from me – not at all.
I am the adult and I cannot let them have what they want – at least not always – mostly for their own safety!
The exact same attitude is is what I perceive from HIM in these times or moments.
I don’t like it and it is likely to make me even more angry.
But at the same time, I am perfectly aware that there is absolutely nothing I can do, that GOD will never, ever change for ME or let me tell HIM what to do.
I might as well forget about it and forgive HIM.
Even if HE won’t forgive the devil……. and I may never know why.
Because HIS thoughts are not my thoughts and HIS ways are not my ways.
I will do what MY FATHER said – sooner or later. And I need HIM, HE is the only one whom I cannot leave, whom I cannot stay angry at, whom I need to survive.
So I might as well do what HE wants me to.
Not that I want to do that all the time – absolutely not.
But I know that I will have to eventually….
How about you, my friend?
Are you ever angry or frustrated with OUR HEAVENLY FATHER?
Please share – and if you happen to have an answer to any of my questions – please let me know, or please also share your favorite “blame” towards GOD if you like…
I hope and pray that this will inspire, bless and heal you. And that THE LORD will bless you abundantly in all areas of your life. That HE will keep you and shine HIS face upon you and bring you peace.