When I was a teenager, it was common where I come from that we went to one of the so-called “dancing – schools” in my home town to learn the most common dances like cha-cha-cha, rumba, samba and also tango… all the teens went there.
Of course, it was also about checking out the guys (in my case) there and I did find my first love there – a classic… (needless to say that I was not saved at the time…)
However, the one who’s girl I had become was not the one I danced with the most or danced with the best- it was one of his friends, that one he led well, he had a good sense of rhythm and his moves were well placed and his conversation was funny during dancing, I enjoyed it!
With my boyfriend at the time, dancing was more like a quarrel 🙂
Many years later, when I was in uni, I decided to learn Tango Argentino and I signed up for a class. They organized parties for practicing, where people from all current and former classes could come and dance – and I went to one of them – this was after 1 or 2 lessons.
The guy I danced with in the beginners class was not very talented, lol, and when I came to the party, one guy whom I had never seen or danced with before asked me to dance and I did moves and performed figures on the dance floor which I had never even seen someone else do…
What brought this to mind is the topic of submission.
One of the most controversial topics, discussed a lot in church, especially in marriage related discussions.
Today was one of these occasions when the topic came to the table.
It was in the sermon and my pastor said that submission is the key for a woman to become more attractive to her partner (by the way, for the men, it is sacrifice, he said).
When I hear men say that they want a submissive woman, I cringe – and I want to attack this man!
Not because I am a feminist.
On the contrary.
I enjoy being led!!!
On the dance floor, in life, in my job and yes, also in the bedroom (can we TALK???) !!!
This example on the dance floor is significant, I believe.
When a man can lead and knows what he is doing, it is a pleasure to dance with him and to be swirled around by him – in fact, I don’t know about you, my sisters, but I feel very feminine and alive and attractive and I could jump for joy when it happens.
When it comes to dancing, I even found that I am unable to know the steps on my own once I have learned them and after a while, I can only do them with a partner who leads me right.
On the other hand, when my (dancing) partner has no sense of rhythm and doesn’t know the steps very well or is insecure in his moves, then, I, too, get tense and the fun is gone!
It becomes a burden and very hard to let him lead and it also becomes very, very tempting to push against his mistakes and “help him lead” a little.
Also, when he does the moves wrongly!
When we sign up for the (dancing) class, we agree to learn tango the way it is taught all over the world, not tango the way “George”(and George alone) wants to dance it!
What I mean by that, if “George” doesn’t want to risk losing all his partners over arguments and then end up being refused by all the ladies in the class, he himself will have to submit to the agreed set of rules and to the teacher first, otherwise NO lady will let him lead her.
And he will have to let the teacher correct him and show him how to do it.
The ladies are protected from young lads coming into the class and doing what they want.
As T.D. Jakes put it:
No woman wants to submit to a man who is not submitted to GOD.
When it comes to relationships, when we submit to a man who is not submitted to GOD and not accountable to anyone, who will correct him if he goes wrong?
Who can we ask to talk to him if he makes a mistake?
Are we going to submit and be subject to his every mood and random decision without any boundaries or agreements?
Wouldn’t that even be stupid and totally AGAINST GOD’s will for our lives?
Does the bible say the woman is supposed to be the slave of her husband?
No, it doesn’t.
It gives rules and obligations to both partners of the union.
And the funny thing is, and this goes for the dance floor as well as for the marriage discussions:
the ones shouting the loudest and demanding submission the most are the ones who lead the worst.
Men, please hear me:
If you lead us correctly, we will submit naturally!
No woman wants to be in a relationship to fight!
But we have to be safe.
Rebellion and criticism only comes when you violate your duties as the head!!
Just like in the business world!
The best managers never have to discipline their subordinates.
They never have to remind them that they are the manager and that everyone in the team must do what they say.
When a manager is good, his orders make sense, he is reliable, professional, competent, organized, he (or she) is predictable, fair, benevolent and supportive and then his team will follow his leadership automatically.
Submission is a response to appropriate leadership and it needs not to be demanded.
If the woman doesn’t submit, it is not her fault – on the contrary! – it is his fault.
I can already see the comments coming… but I bet, if you are a man and disagree, you probably have a similar argument in your head when it comes to sacrifice – think about it 😉
This dance with a complete stranger, without any practice, went so smoothly and naturally, he even managed to show me what he wants me to do next and he showed me things I can do I never knew… what a relief, not having to think for the both of us, not having to watch him to make sure he makes no mistakes, what a relief to just let myself fall into his arms and let him lead and think of the next moves…just yield and let him move me… I liked it.
Please, please understand, my brothers, we WANT YOU to lead!!!
We want you to be the head, the father, want you to be in control!
But we need to see that you are leading and that you are able to own this responsibility and be confident in your role, then and only then can we all relax and all do what we are supposed to do!
Leadership comes from authority, authority needs knowledge and understanding and love!
It is no coincidence that the bible demands that the husbands shall love their wives.
IF a wife feels truly loved, she won’t even want to lead!
She will want to please her husband, not rebel against him.
So please, don’t always believe we are the problem.
If a woman is being mistreated, neglected, cheated on, lied to, she will not feel loved and she is not likely to submit to a man who does these things.
This is why I want to shout at these men demanding submission:
“Are you loving your woman right? Do you meet her needs???”
GOD will never ever have us question HIS leadership!
We know that HE IS the head.
If your woman is not submissive enough, chances are you have to love her more like GOD does.
Obviously, we all come from different backgrounds and are at different stages in our spiritual development, but we all have our homework to do and especially when it comes to relationship issues, the problem never ever only lies on one side!
And this is why it is SO ESSENTIAL for a marriage / a union to be formed and ordained and sustained by GOD, within a church setting. Because things WILL get difficult. They do in every marriage for one reason or the other.
And then there will be a need for justice, for covenant, for an agreed set of rules which can be claimed – and for some people with authority who can speak to both partners and they will listen.
GOD needs to be the head of the marriage and of both spouses.
HE needs to be the head of the husband and then, the wife needs to be submitted to GOD AND to her husband.
That’s how it can work and this is the only way!
Friends, let us pray for our marriages, either our current ones if we are married, or our future ones if we are single, that THE LORD will bring us a godly spouse who loves HIM first and is submitted to HIM and who wants HIS will for their lives and wants to serve HIM and will take the promises they made (or will make) seriously and not lightly, and who will not want to disappoint GOD by breaking these promises, “to have and to hold”, “for better for worse” “in sickness and in health” “to love, honor and cherish” and of course “to be faithful” and “til death do us part”.
And let us also BE this spouse LORD.
Let us be what YOU say we ought to be to our spouse, if we are female let us be submissive over all, and if we are male, let us be sacrificial and not selfish.
GOD, be the ruler over our unions and bless them, in JESUS name!
I hope and pray that this will inspire, heal, encourage and bless you.
And that THE LORD will bless you abundantly in all areas of your life, that HE will keep you and shine HIS face upon you and bring you peace. In JESUS’ name I have prayed. AMEN.