The plans I have

Dear friends,

I don’t even know who created the saying: “Life is what happens while you are making other plans.” – do you?

But we all know it’s true, don’t we.

I guess you could say that it happened to me.

Life.

Or should I rather call it sin?

And I am asking myself many questions.

For instance, does it matter with which heart we commit what would be called sinning?

You may be wondering what I am talking about.

To be honest with you, I made love to a man without being married to him.

And I didn’t plan this – don’t get me wrong, I knew it was going to happen, I am not stupid and I am also not a little girl but a grown woman… I even knew when it was going to happen and I knew there was nothing I was going to do about it.

I even prayed about it, I fasted, prayed for the man, for us, for GOD to do HIS will with us, in our lives.
I asked GOD to take it away from me if it was not of HIM.
Asked HIM to give me the strength to resist if this is not from HIM.

And there have been many things in my life during these years since I got saved that I learned to overcome, that I knew GOD wanted me to resist.

This one – no chance!
I even felt an immense peace when I was admitting to myself and to GOD that it was going to happen and that I was even looking forward to it, even a lot!
And I don’t even feel guilty or convicted.

I don’t even really understand why.

I feel happy.

And I feel as if this has been a healing experience.

For me and for him actually – even if we are not going to get married  – which I don’t know at this point – and I must admit to myself that it is more likely that we won’t.
At least this is what I assume – I assume that this man is not planning to get married any time soon.
And then if he was going to, I doubt it would be to me.
Why would I be thinking that?
Not because I think he is not attracted to me – on the contrary.
But there is a large age difference between us, I am much older than he is.

I don’t know if GOD does these constellations where something is not perfect?

And I don’t know if it means when something obviously “challenging” is coming our way, that it is not from GOD?
I wouldn’t necessarily say so.
GOD does challenge – at least as far and from what I know.
And he also does testing and trials.

And he also does sacrifice.

And faith.

Me, I have been sacrificing a lot for this already.

First of all, I have been consecrating myself for many years, have fasted, prayed, stayed away from all kinds of immorality, especially sexual immorality, have fought against the sex magic that has been practiced against me, have to a large degree overcome all these spirits attacking me, visiting me in my dreams and doing immoral things with me and to me…

In a way, you could say, I lived like a virgin or a nun for a few years – ever since I got saved, I didn’t have sex with a man and it has been more than 4 years that I have – until last night.

I was not planning to do that ever again – except with the man I was going to get married to, and I was even very determined to make him wait until after we would had said “I do.”
I saw (in my plans) no other way of sacrificing my “regained virginity”, no person I was going to become one flesh with ever again other than with my next husband.

I had it all planned.

And I had planned to stay alone and not let anyone touch me ever again if it wasn’t for someone  who would clearly and openly show his intentions to marry me, a Christian of course, having pure intentions.

Well, the man is a believer, I am sure HE knows GOD and has THE HOLY SPIRIT in him.

At the same time, he also states that he is not perfect and I think he is referring to women when he says that.
To me even perhaps…?

He is not lying to me, at least I don’t think he is.
He hasn’t said he is going to marry me.
I only just met him not even a month ago.

He said he is not planning to get married at the moment.

Of course, I believe him – why wouldn’t I?

And I was asking GOD to join together as one flesh what belongs together and to seperate what doesn’t.

This never, ever felt wrong or like sin, nor does it now.

So I am asking myself, when is fornication fornication?

What I mean by that is this:
what if from my side, I have the purest motives of love and of staying together with this man for the rest of my life?

Is it still fornication and immoral to make love?

Does it have to be a marriage where a pastor has joined 2 people together and declared them husband and wife?

What about Adam and Eve?

Yes, I am also thinking about the woman at the well when JESUS challenged her that she was living with a man who wasn’t even her husband…

What if she had wanted him to be?

What if she had submitted herself to him, cherished him and had devoted herself to him?

We don’t hear them speak about it, her and JESUS, but I do get that her living in a relationship without being married to the man is being held against her in this account and it is even from THE LORD himself used as proof that she hasn’t been holy so far.

So when we compare her, the woman at the well, with all the many wives and concubines in the Old Testament…?

Did they all go to hell?

Is being a second or a third wife adultery?

Is being a concubine?

Did all the kings go to hell,too, then?

King David?

A man after GOD’s heart?

Or King Solomon, who had more than 700 wives?

And if he didn’t, is what he has done not sexually immoral, only because he married them all, which he probably even did not?

I am not trying to defend myself.

Yes, I had a reunion with a man I am not married to, I may not be married to ever.

But I would love to marry him.

My heart has love for him.

He is perfect in so many ways, even though there is this “age thing” and of course, I can see other “issues” as well.

But I have done it out of love.

And I have done it in the presence of GOD.

Me, I am not ashamed.

Not even convicted of sin.

Not even remorseful.

I thoroughly enjoyed it.

And I will do it again if he asks me to.

I will do whatever he wants me to with him, will spend whatever amount of time with him, will go to wherever he wants me to go with him.

I have not felt like that before.

Never in my life.

First and foremost, I know that I have submitted my life to GOD.

And I have proven myself to HIM many times, just as HE has proven HIMSELF to me.

This is HIS will and HIS plan for my life.

At this point, I don’t know if it will end in marriage.

It doesn’t look like it will – and I am old enough, not only in this life, but mainly old enough in my walk with CHRIST to know that how things appear on the outside doesn’t matter at all.

What I do know though is that it is part of GOD’s plan for my life.

However it will play out or continue.

And when I say it was a healing experience, I mean it.

I have had so much crap and hurt and games and drama in my past relationships – and no need to mention the “darkness” which has haunted me for the past years as I have talked about it a lot here on this blog…

To come across something so “real”, across a man who is openly displaying his affection, and yes, desiring me as well physically – it’s been like a breath of fresh air – it felt easy and right all along.
And yes, exciting and interesting and fun as well.

And he knows that I am doing my best to live a holy life and that I have been struggling to give myself to him – even though I have been wanting to…
He says I shouldn’t consider him or “this” just a stumbling block, that this is more than just sex… he says I should relax…he says that he understands that I am trying to be holy and he says, at the same time, I also need to live my life…

I was thinking in a way, before I had been saved, I didn’t even have these thoughts and slept with whomever I wanted to – at least when I wasn’t married… and even my marriage didn’t involve GOD, HE wasn’t LORD over my life when I got married, I didn’t even truly know HIM at that time, didn’t even get married in a church…
In my understanding, it was a marriage, yes, and I had planned to stay with this man for the rest of my life – only that I did not, could not keep my promise.
And I was also thinking that in a way, every woman (men too perhaps, but maybe not as much) have this uncertainty after their first night together if this will lead to something good or permanent or if it will break – this can happen, you know… regardless of married or not, people get divorces all the time…

And I am well aware of the consequences of sleeping with someone – nobody knows more than I do what physical union means, what it means to literally become “one flesh”, what that means spiritually and what the consequences of that are.
Yet, the idea of having been joined to this man does not scare me at all – and I have done what I have done out of love and I am happy I did it and I am willing to face whatever consequence it will have.

There are many things going through my head and I know that from a biblical viewpoint, many people would say that I sinned last night and that I need to repent – repentance is not what I have in mind though.

In fact, as strange as this may sound to you – and it does to me as well – this feels more like obedience than like sin!

And I have been thinking of Jeremiah 29:11 a lot in the recent days:

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

A hope and a future is what I did not have when all these things happened, the dark things, the satanic things… now, I am completely calm and resting in HIS promises. And I know that HIS plans for me are good ones!

I am at peace and the last thing I will do is regret this and ask for forgiveness.

And I know that I am right with MY FATHER, as right as I was before.

If JESUS came now, I know that I would make it to heaven  – just like before.

I could be wrong.

But then again, many other people could be as well, couldn’t they?

What more or other can we do than have our own relationship with OUR FATHER and ask HIM for guidance and even for permission to do things and then trust that it is what HE wants us to do – for whatever reasons?

What do you think, my friend?
Have you thought about this?
Did you become intimate with your partner before you got married?
What if you hadn’t become married even though this was your intention?
Would that have made it fornication?
I am curious what you think…

And I pray that THE LORD will keep you, shine HIS face upon you, and bring you peace.
In JESUS’ name I pray.
AMEN.