Only human

Dear friends

Have you ever heard the saying that GOD won’t give us more than we can bear?

Me, I’ve oftentimes disagreed with it – I have felt like giving up many, many times, and it wasn’t as if GOD would have shown up all the time and encouraged me – as HE has for HIS heroes in the bible when HE sent ravens to feed them or when HE showed them a brook of water when they thought they would die…..
Me, I haven’t been that fortunate.
Sometimes, I did feel comfort coming or felt more strength or encouraged.

Not so recently.

When I started the job as a chaplain, when I stepped into what I believe(d) (not sure if I still believe it) is my calling – and when the enemy started to hit me harder than ever before.

It’s true what they say: new level, new devils.

In my case, you name it – it happened.

Bullying, vindication, they even didn’t pay my full salary in the first month and nobody seemed to think it’s a big deal and it should be corrected – can you imagine anyone working for 2/3rd of the agreed salary??
I am quite sure none of the people I raised this with, including my manager, who didn’t even want to take this issue on in the first place (it took him over a month and a serious complaint from my side to hesitantly write one email!!), would even have continued coming to work.
Holding back information, not answering my questions, not even speaking to me or meeting with me at all in the first 2 months, not telling me (but everyone else) that he will be on holiday (this is my line manager), not organizing anything for my start – as in passwords, equipment, no induction plan, no communication, isolating me, not letting me do my job…….

And all this whilst experiencing the worst physical health symptoms, night sweats and nightmares.

Mind you, I started this job, which is part time on some weekends only at the same time with a new “wordly job”, something I had done before, being a Drug Worker…..

But I have been struggling since February now when I started the first one and then in March the chaplain one.
Like I said, you name it, I had to deal with it.

My church leaders ignored my request to give me a blessing, an official mandate, or a sending letter, so that I would be under the covering of my church.
My previous prison ministry group saw no need to change anything in the way they have been praying for the prisoners and the chaplain of the prison they had been supporting for years (as I had supported the same cause as a volunteer for years), even though there was a chaplain in their midst now…
The Outreach Team Leader was rejoicing with me in the beginning and she said she would announce it in the group and they would pray for me, but nothing…
I’m not blaming them – the church isn’t normally supporting leaders who are not “bred” in the church – I get it!
My bible school prayed for me and a few sisters in church were rejoicing with me when I got it, but then – nothing.
I think everybody thought that I am now “living the life”.
2-3 people checked in to hear how it is going.
When I replied “new level new devils” nothing happened…<
Like I said, I am not blaming anyone -people do what they do, everyone is so busy with their own challenges, there’s not much time to look after anyone else…..the church isn’t perfect…. The only 2 people I blame is me and GOD.
Me, I should have known that I need someone and something in place, I was relying on GOD too much – HE had taken me through other things ( not always smoothly though, but most of the time HE helped me somehow), so I thought HE would surely do it this time, when I would truly start working for HIM!

But I guess that’s not the way HE sees it…..

I fought for a few weeks.
And I won’t even describe all of what I went through.

Yesterday, I finally allowed myself to quit this job.

Yes, I am heartbroken, because I thought that this would be what I would be doing for the rest of my life.
Perhaps not in this very place, but I thought it would be the beginning of me stepping into this field, gathering experience there until I could find a full time position there…. and I know, many of you will say, I could still do this, but I am not sure I will.
Every very dark place I have seen so far where GOD is moving and where HE is very interested in helping the afflicted is also so full of dark people who are trying to prevent the afflicted from being delivered and who will fight everyone coming in to spread GOD’s light.

I think I need a break!

I have been trying soooo hard to get into a position where I can be effective for GOD.

Have been fighting for many years for a job like this.

I wasn’t prepared for the fight to only begin when I would get there.

I ran out of strength.

I feel like the devil has won.

I was not strong enough to stand the pressure.

Had not enough strength to contend once more and once again and even longer and endure – like I had done so many years……

I gave in.

And I am not even going to try again as long as my circumstances are still the same.

I will not start any kind of ministry again when my health is not good at all and when I have no support.
I had a slight idea about these things before, but now I know even more that starting ministry is not for the faint of heart.
And mind you, the ones fighting me the hardest were 2 other (male) Christians in the team.
Not other colleagues, not unbelievers, not the inmates (they are NEVER the problem!!!), not upper management or anything – MY OWN manager and a colleague who had been there for 8 years – and the reasons why they fought me are because of my anointing (and their laziness and their pride)….

Other people may say I should be glad about my anointing.
And I am – but I will not put myself in a position again where it will threaten others and stir up their envy and their pride – not without prayer and personal support, mentoring and pastoral care for ME. AND not with these health conditions that come with it – excruciating pains all over my body, blood pressure levels that would warrant to call an ambulance, high fever, virus infections that don’t go away, inflammation, either diarrhea or constipation, insomnia, ruminations & racing thoughts at night, depression, anxiety, like I said, you name it, I have been experiencing it – not that I had never experienced any of them before, but over the last few weeks, they ALL got worse and were “flaring up” all at the same time. I sometimes hardly made it home walking from the station, I was in so much pain….

These are things nobody talks about and nobody wants to know.

I think some of them to some degree are probably experienced by everyone who starts a ministry, but normally, people who start a ministry will be ordained by their senior or lead pastor, will be under surveillance and will benefit from mentoring or leadership training, perhaps they will have supervision and most of all, they will be included in the prayers for all pastors of the church by all the members all the time.

Me, I felt the absence and the lack of all this.

And I knew I would struggle without the support of my church.

I asked for the support.

They didn’t even come back to me.

I asked GOD, too.

And I hung in there as long as I could.

I was meant to go back there yesterday and I realized I CANNOT.

No matter how much I prayed, tried to encourage myself, worshipped, everything I normally do and then somehow, I would find the strength to do things I never thought I could do in the past – not yesterday.

I felt completely powerless.

I sent my resignation.

I had taken time off and even once taken sick leave already (I was sick, but previously, I had dragged myself there, even on my first day, I had a fever and a cough and no voice) – and I could NOT make myself go there.

Not even though I am scared that GOD will be mad at me like HE was at Jonah.

I quit.

Heartbroken and relieved at the same time, part of me is glad that it’s over and part of me mourns a dream that died yesterday.

I feel like I have left a toxic relationship (which I have in the past) – the love is still there, and the desire to be there, but the need for healing and protection from further hurt is greater.

I was sooo happy when I got this job and I was sooooo looking forward to being a chaplain there and ministering to these men – and the interactions I had with them were so good and promising – exactly part of the problem, as my colleague saw that there was a revival about to begin…… the last thing they want there is a revival, growing numbers in the services and more people to minister to.
They are most concerned that they will have a “quiet Saturday” where they can relax and recuperate from the week – I kid you not, I am literally quoting my colleague, who likes to go to the office and “wind down” 2h before home time and who likes to fall asleep in ACCT reviews!
He made it very clear that me joining the team would not change any of his routine and that I could do whatever was left and what he doesn’t want to do……very welcoming, innit???

He spoke down on me, telling me what to do when others were around and he didn’t speak to me at all when we were alone, not even when I asked him something – e.g. he refused to give me the code for the safe, as he said it is always open, he took the most horrible picture of me for the poster with every member of the chaplaincy team that is displayed all over the building, he didn’t introduce me to anyone when we went somewhere, he didn’t take me around the building on my first day and he liked to ask me if I was going to “follow him” and when I said that I wasn’t going to follow him but would go with him, he corrected me and said I was supposed to be shadowing him and not allowed to go anywhere alone according to our manager – who of course hadn’t discussed any of this with me!

I was so angry that I had trouble to keep a straight face, let alone was I able to get into my “ministering mode”, I wasn’t even able to listen properly to the guys when they told me what’s going on in their lives. I mean, sometimes, I managed, and then we had great conversations, but this nastiness I had to deal with constantly, took a lot of my energy and of my attention and of my strength away.
Until I decided that I am unable to do this any longer – even though I hadn’t even done it a long time, it was so blunt and incredible, and this one colleague, he managed to behave himself towards everyone else, not even sure if they would believe me that he is so mean!
And this was just the one colleague – the behaviour of my manager is even more unbelievable……

I am not able to give and minister when I am so under pressure – and I don’t want the guys to suffer from my inadequacies……they deserve someone who can truly care for them.

Not me – at least not in this setting, with this much fire coming at me.

Disappointing……

But me, I know my limits better now.

And perhaps, GOD knows them a bit better as well….?

Not even HIS potential wrath could make me go there today and stay in this job…..

It was too much for me.

In the situation and considering where I had come from, what I had been through.

I am tired from my past struggles, there is not much more “push” in me.

I need healing, not another challenge.

Perhaps GOD will be mad at me.

But hopefully, HE will know that I still love HIM and that I will keep serving HIM – in my secular job, and I will find other ways what I can do to reach those who not many other people care for – in prison, on the streets or wherever they are….

I’m only human.

I’m not the only one who has fallen short of the glory of GOD and who may have disappointed HIM.

Hopefully, HE will still love me and forgive me.
And my even greater hope is that HE will give me tasks I can master plus the support and strength to master them.

How about you, my friend, have you been unable to complete a task you felt GOD had given you? Have you given up on something you believed was from GOD but it was too hard for you?
Please share in the comments.

I hope and pray that this will encourage, inspire, bless and heal you. And that THE LORD will bless you abundantly in all areas of your life; that HE will keep you and shine HIS face upon you and bring you peace. In JESUS name I pray. AMEN.