As you might know if you read some previous posts on my blog, I work with offenders.
And although I consider myself to be a victim of violence, I chose the side of the perpetrators very consciously and deliberately.
I didn’t want to be on the victims’ side.
Because I am not strong enough for them.
And also because I firmly believe that affirming someone in their victim-status is never, ever going to help them to move on!
And when I say I am not strong enough I mean I can’t deal with the patterns – not in a professional surrounding and not in my private life either.
What I discovered might shock you, but I am of the view that victims can be very violent and extremely demanding and that they ALL tend to manipulate everyone – except if they are healed by GOD, and that’s the only exception I have come across so far.
The types of victims I have encountered come in either passively or actively aggressive form.
And I even count most of my clients in the latter category – so I guess I must correct myself – I am not strong enough for the first category, the passive aggressive ones.
I don’t have patience for them.
And they come in many different forms – but they all have one thing in common:
they demand from the rest of us that everything will be evolving around them, around their wound, around their need of support, protection and healing.
The second thing they have in common is that they lack all sort and amount of compassion for others – they are too obsessed with their own suffering to even see, notice, realize or to be willing to acknowledge that we are ALL suffering – to some degree, from some kind of trauma and at some point in our lives.
Emotionally, they are 3 years old – stuck where the trauma happened, unwilling to own it, to take responsibility for their own stuff, to get rid of their baggage – and putting the blame on everyone they meet – troubling, burdening and in the end destroying every relationship they are forming and hurting everyone they come across, throwing the worst tantrums when they don’t get their way.
This happens regardless if the person they come across will be obliging to their demands to care for them, to pity them, to listen to them, to provide care, compassion, time and all sorts of support – to do all in their power to make them feel better – the problem with that is, it cannot work, because nobody can make anyone else feel better and all the help, empathy, practical tipps and support will never be enough – it can NEVER be enough.
What happens instead when you try to help this person is they are developing a sense of entitlement over your help and will become more demanding and will consume as much of your resources as you will let them and once they have reached your boundaries, they will most likely respond with some sort of tantrum when you tell them to stop.
I will give you an example that I encountered recently in my own life:
This was in church, in a class I took there.
I met a woman there and we started to talk outside the class.
She had countless issues – I am talking about SERIOUS sin in her life, that kind which makes you think about if you have to inform the police when someone tells you about it, plus the kind you don’t really want to encounter in your church at all… as I confessed earlier (when it happened last year) and had also told her to make her feel better, I myself had also fallen and had been guilty of sexual immorality a year ago when I had met a man, had fallen in love with him and had become intimate with him, believing that he would become my husband but then after a few months of strange events, he had confessed to me that he had lied to me all along and that he was already married.
This is quite an open secret, I had written about it here on this blog, so that I can spare some of you from making the same mistakes I made, because I have payed dearly for this mistake, I got truly hurt and I wouldn’t wish this to happen to my worst enemy!
However, I have repented and sought GOD’s fogiveness for many, many months, I have of course ended the relationship as soon as he had told me the truth and although I have been able to forgive him, I have not let him stay in my life and have not let him return to my life when he tried a few months later… I have turned from my sin! And let me tell you, to send this man that I loved away and even pray for his marriage and his family was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life!
So much about my story.
This means that I can relate.
I understand when someone falls.
Because I have fallen myself.
And I am glad I have – not that all the suffering had been pleasant in any way, but because it made me come off my high horse and helped me see that I, too, am a sinner, no matter how hard I try and that there is absolutely no use in judging anyone – that’s part of what enables me to do the job I do and to enjoy it a lot.
In my private life and especially in a church environment, I am looking for relationships which can support me in my Christian walk and where we can encourage each other and build each other up.
And I will of course do my best and listen to a brother or a sister when they choose to confess their sin to me and I will do my best to help them and to give advice, but I will also withdraw from them as I cannot be around people who are not even sure if they believe in GOD, I am not a teacher and as much as I like to help, there is only so much of my private time that I want to devote to people who are in need of my support instead of building each other up – and I am also aware that demons can enter us via our associations… plus, from being a therapist for many years, I know what it feels like when people are trying to use my time and get my advice and get my support and when they are not willing to give back – when I notice that the support is not mutual, I withdraw myself as a friend, I might still be available as much as I can to support and give advice, but I won’t share about my own struggles and I will reduce the time I make myself available for this person – especially when I sense that they are not following my advice or not genuinely trying to stop sinning or when they are not seeking deliverance and are not doing all they can to grow and get rid of the sin.
This is the point where I very quickly arrived with this sister.
She just had toooooooo much to deal with and she was trying to dump it all on me and I felt used and over – burdened by her and I was trying to get rid of her – which she wouldn’t allow and she started “chasing” me and started to share more deeply when I had already tried to end our call – I was getting really agitated and because of the nature of the trauma she had been sharing with me, I felt too guilty to end the conversation and stayed on the phone with her for 2 more hours – but I felt miserable doing it.
And that’s what I mean with victims being violent – they don’t care if we are available or willing or have the emotional capacity to listen to them or if this is a good time for us – all they care about is that they can tell their story again and that they can manipulate us into listening, into pity, into thinking how we might be able to help them.
Yes, I felt manipulated.
Even after the conversation, when she sent me a text saying she might share less in the future and that she is a transparent person and sometimes doesn’t realize that it can get uncomfortable for others.
I felt manipulated even more by that.
Because not only did she admit that she was well aware that I had been uncomfortable, but also was she going to steer this thing into a direction I didn’t like at all – she wasn’t going to share about her sin, but I would be expected to be there for her anyways, because I already knew what had happened to her – these things cannot be “un-shared” – it is not possible!
I felt manipulated and used and from what I know about her, I was very certain that she does that deliberately and repeatedly.
I was trying to find a way out of her manipulation and her “games”.
How did I know that she was playing games you might ask?
Well, we all can sense it when someone is playing games and trying to manipulate us – we feel annoyed, defiled, we want to get away from that person…
I am not saying that this sister is not genuinely suffering!
But she is trying the wrong strategies to overcome her issues.
And most of the people she has come across so far are HELPING her stay in her misery, KEEPING her issues and FEEDING her demons!
These include many people IN the church!
So let me tell you what I did: I wrote an article about her situation – of course, I didn’t mention her name, I never do that here, except when I write about myself, nobody reading my posts will know who I am talking about – I never mention names and most of the time, I change the story a little bit, too…
I didn’t change her story, but I left many parts out – in fact, I only mentioned one aspect of it and nobody except her will have known I wrote about her. I wouldn’t even say I wrote about her, but her issues inspired me to write and to share what I have found, things to help her and anyone with a similar traumatic past. Her story is not only her story, thousands of millions of people have experienced what she has.
I wrote a long post of what I think will be good for people with similar memories and issues to overcome what I believe they could consider, and of course, I also told her that I believe she needs deliverance and that I recommend her to go to the pastor who had councelled her and to research about deliverance – because that’s the only thing which can help her – GOD knows that nothing else will.
She got very offended when I told her that this was my opinion, that she needed deliverance. In fact, in my understanding and in my perception, right there and then was she manifesting and becoming angry at me and she had told me before that she had had an argument with someone in her place which had become so severe and loud that her neighbours had threatened to call the police – now that’s when I KNOW that someone needs deliverance when they have issues like that!
Anyhow, I sent her the link to the article with a message that I hope that it will help her – which is still my hope and which has been my one and only intention towards her ever since I spoke to her – I have also been praying for her a lot.
What she did after she had read my article (after her initial positive reaction) is she threatened to report me to the leadership if I wouldn’t take the article down and she tried to call me many times on the next day even though I was busy leading a prayer meeting (which she knew) and even though I had told her I need time for myself and need to pray about my response to her – these are things people under this demonic oppression will not allow and accept, they will not give space when they are in the middle of their drama, because that’s all that matters to them…. she kept sending me threatening texts and one said she had now reported me to the leadership of the church, because I had violated her and she had become re-traumatised from my post and she demanded that I should take the post down and that it could never happen again…
I responded to her the same day that I will not let her dictate what I write about and that nobody will know her identity from my post and that I was trying to help her and that I will most definitely write more about this, because I am hoping other people will learn from it.
She had indeed informed the leadership and not only them, other church members as well, I could see an unusual kind and amount of traffic on my blog on this day and the following days and it only stopped when I protected the article for a few days…
Needless to mention that I blocked her and left the group we had both been attending.
The leadership was completely on her side and I think they are still expecting me to apologize to her.
Although I tried to give my perspective and although I gave my view that what they are doing is helping her feed her demons and that they are all responding in a carnal way to a spiritual matter, I have not come across anyone yet who would agree with me and who would understand what is really going on – and I might leave the church over this sooner or later.
Because I know it won’t stop – she won’t stop.
Neither will she stop sinning, nor will she stop doing what she can to chase me and slander me – or let me better say, her demons will do it for her and they will grow stronger and will keep eating more of her life up…
What I don’t understand is that nobody in the church gets it – and this gives me reason to believe that I might be wrong in that church… they are offering councelling, she has been councelled there for more than 2 years (as she said to me, don’t know if it’s true) – but even if this is a councellor (one of the senior pastors) who believes that worldly therapy can help, how come they have not even thought about the spiritual side of it?
Is it so uncommon knowledge for a PASTOR that trauma opens a person up for demons to enter them?
I mean, come on, this is a PENTECOSTAL CHURCH and I am only a baby Christian of 5 years, this was pretty much the first thing I knew when I got saved…???
Can a pentecostal Pastor truly councel someone for 2 years and not realize that this person needs deliverance?
And can they truly KNOW from all the councelling sessions with this person that this person has deep and serious sin issues and can just let them be in the church, even attend classes and let them spread their issues around without councelling them further, without asking them, even demanding them to undergo a deliverance procedure – are they not concerned about their other members?
Many people now think I hurt this sister and that I should apologize.
They did buy into her story that I wrote maliciously about her and violated her privacy and deliberately hurt her.
Who has been blogging on this blog for more than 2 years?
Who has been seeking THE LORD diligently ever since I got saved 5 years ago and has started this blog to HELP people get FREE.
Why on EARTH would I write something to hurt a sister who is so obviously struggling with her faith and with sin?
What would I gain from putting her down?
Why would I want to re-traumatize anyone when I have devoted my ENTIRE LIFE, profession, free time to bring people HOME to JESUS and save as many souls as I can?
Is it so hard to see that I did indeed only publish this to help her wake up?
Am I truly the only one who can see this in this church?
And why can nobody else see that she is trying to manipulate everyone?
That her demons make her accuse me and report me to the leadership of the church for posting an article on my blog when she is the one who is in DEEP, SERIOUS SIN – and I did NOT report her.
And how come nobody in this church can find any fault in reporting someone for having done something she did not like?
Doesn’t anyone see that there is at least an exaggeration here, if not truly a mean and malicious accusation which is simply false?
Well, the truth is, I am the one who got hurt.
First of all, I should not be exposed to meeting a person with so many serious issues that the church never addressed in a class offered by the church.
Who is protecting ME (and other church members in the past and future) against HER manifestations coming from her issues?
Shouldn’t a church be accountable that the members are living according to the principles which are preached and taught?
Her is a case where someone is living in DEEP, SERIOUS sin, someone is needing deliverance and the church leadership, aka the senior pastor who has been counselling this person for 2 years, is AWARE and nothing is being done – in fact, this person can attend a group for spiritual growth and discipleship within the church and can be a prayer partner for others???
Is that right??
In fact, I should have reported HER to the leadership – friends, I am serious when I tell you that she would have been dis-fellowshipped in every other church I have attended so far!
Instead, I was called by 2 leaders and had to defend myself… one of them bluntly told me that they can understand her view and can not understand mine – not even has she reported me as if I had done something wrong, she was even successful with it.
Now instead of everybody involved understanding that this sister needs deliverance – they all believe that I am mean and that I wronged her.
There are underlying reasons which I will not mention here – but it happened before… and I am assuming it will happen again… what happens afterwards usually when this happens is that I (have to) leave the church and go and look for a new one… and it is likely that this is going to happen this time as well.
But even if I get pushed out of every church in the country – the one and only person I am accountable to is JESUS CHRIST and HE knows what was truly going on – even if nobody else will know or understand – and I will NOT serve anyone’s carnal desires or their demons.
Of course, my zeal for this church has now sunk since this happened… like I said, I might leave…. on the other hand, I am beginning to understand that these situations are more and more teaching me to partake of HIS sufferings and the persecution HE was talking about when HE said we would be persecuted like HE was…
I am still in awe of the carnality with which all these so called “church leaders” responded to this.
And I am also in awe of what underlying reasons made them do this.
Carnal reasons, which I will not mention here – but they ARE carnal.
And I can tell you, friends, had it been the other way round and I would have accused her, nobody would have even listened to me!!!
There is a lot wrong here.
Not only with how this was handled towards me, but also they did not help HER, not a bit!
DO they all believe that giving an addict alcohol will HELP them???
Me, I don’t, and I am still hoping that she will keep coming back and back to the post in question and that something in there can get through to her – and that she might even read this post and that this will help her, that it will wake her UP – I mean HELP her – not help her stay where she IS, but help her get OVER her stuff, help her OVERCOME, help her take charge of her LIFE, of her past, of her present and of her future!
Right now, she is as stuck as can be and can never move out from this place – and sadly, the church will not help her, on the contrary.
She will most likely not get free in this church, won’t find deliverance there, only pity – it’s a crying shame!
But there is no more I can do about it.
And I will also take care of myself and will not go back into her drama and will keep avoiding her and every group she attends… because I have tried – and I will now only pray for her and let GOD. Hopefully, someone she will come across can help her get deliverance instead of helping her grow and increase her demons and issues…
How about you, my friend?
Have you been in a situation like that?
Perhaps also within the church?
What did you do?
Or do you have any comments on my situation?
I hope and pray that this will inspire, heal, bless and encourage you.
And that THE LORD will bless you abundantly, that HE will keep you and shine HIS face upon you, and bring you peace. In JESUS’ name I pray. AMEN.