Dear friends

I was asked in an interview very recently how I deal with setbacks.

My answer was a bit of the truth and the other part was what I thought would sound nice and what they might want to hear.

But this question got me thinking, how do I actually and truly deal with setbacks?

Truth is I’ve had to take one of the biggest setbacks in my life very recently.

I may write about it and about what it was at some other time, but today, I wanted to explore the way of dealing with setbacks together with you, my friend.

Have you ever wondered how you deal with it?

From working with many clients over many years, most of them being in prison or on the streets or in care or in some other situation which is far from ideal, I found that there are a few “types” or ways of dealing with major setbacks / disappointments and many people I’ve met fall under one or more than one of the following categories:

1. Denial
   Denial seems to be the most common and easiest response to a very huge catastrophe in our lives – although it may play out in different ways….. for some, it may be that they pretend not to care and harden their hearts, disconnect themselves from their emotions, as difficult as that may be, and often times, this manifests in self-medication with alcohol or drugs, just to numb the pain or to be able to “function” as before.
   However, as we know, it is likely that this turns out not to be such an easy and quick fix, as more often than not, an addiction can result from this and this addiction can cause a lot of damage in our lives, leading to the point where much more will be lost than through the initial disaster in the first place….
   
2. Distraction
   Not necessarily via drugs, but compensating the loss through some other behaviour is also very common, these behaviours can be positive or negative, but they will likely be “extreme”, because the pain from the disappointment needs to be overpowered / overshadowed by the outcome of this new behaviour.
   If this is successful, the new behaviour is likely to become compulsive / obsessive, as the brain gets used to / addicted to the new sensation, which seems to make the pain from the initial trauma go away.
   We are prone to become addicted to a substance, to working, to shopping, to pornography, to exercising, to online dating, to sleeping around, to gaming….. anything that will produce a strong sensation in us, a rush, a thrill, something which is strong enough to make us forget our failure.
   Obviously, we may end up being in a worse situation – and the issue is still not addressed…..
   Not saying that a bit of distraction can be good to take our mind of a bit, like taking a walk, having a nice time with a friend, reading a good book or treating ourselves to a nice meal, however, the “issue” will still need to be dealt with at some point.
   At least that’s what I believe and what I have found.
   
3. Self-bashing
   Yes, we may be in this situation through a mistake we’ve made.
   Or perhaps we listened to or trusted the wrong people, which can also very easily lead to self-blame and self-accusations.
   But what happened is in the past and we will never be able to change it.
   The only thing we can do is learn from it.
   Setbacks and disappointments are part of life.
   Learning to deal with them is part of life as well, part of maturing, part of “growing up”.
   If we stay in the self-blaming position, we will not be able to outgrow this injury, be it self-inflicted or not; and we all need to be brave and look at our patterns at some points in our lives and need to learn something new if self-hurt or self-sabotage is one of them.
   
4. Self pity
   It can be very tempting to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for ourselves.
   Often accompanied by thoughts of not being loved, not being worthy, not having any support in life, not having any friends or people who truly love us, being alone, being worse off than all other people we know….etc.
   This can lead to feelings of loneliness and depression and even thoughts of wanting to end our life.
   I think what is important in this situation – if we are struggling with this way of coping with a major “blow” – that first of all, there is no way of ever proving any of these theories wrong nor right, they are more like chains of thoughts which can be endless and will almost every time result in us falling even deeper and feeling even worse.
   So my recommendation from personal experience and from working with so many people is to not allow these thoughts to live in our heads “rent free” (which means without bringing us anything positive) – and do our best to stop these negative thought cycles as much and as soon as we possibly can.
   One example I like to practice with my clients is to not ask the “why” question, as this question ALWAYS leads deeper into the problem, never to the solution – think about it and try for yourself!
   If you ask “why”, the answer will always produce affirmation and deeper accusations, whereas it can be much more productive to ask “how”, as in “How could I recover from this?” – just notice the difference in your body when you ask yourself these 2 questions…..?!
   
5. Anger / Hate/ Agression
   Strong aggressive and negative emotions can be similar to depressed or suicidal feelings, only that the fault is seen in others rather than in ourselves.
   This can make it even more difficult to come to the point where we can learn from the event, because we are at that point denying all responsibility for it.
   Not saying that we are at all times the only ones to blame for it, however, we need to become able to identify our share in this, however big it may be, if we want to outgrow it and learn what we need to learn in order to avoid falling into a similar trap in the future.
   These strong negative emotions can be very difficult to overcome and let go of, not only do they help us to remain in a position of feeling more empowered and in control, but it also takes a lot of courage to become vulnerable, even if it is only towards ourselves, which is what needs to happen if we want to become aware of our part in all this mess.
   This response is what I see a lot in people involved in crime.
   And I totally get why it can be so difficult for them to break out of it: this response has been their main coping mechanism for so long and it has become part of their identity. In order for them to learn something new, they will have to go to the time and place where the initial hurt, the greatest trauma in their life, has happened and when they decided never to be vulnerable, powerless and weak ever again…… a truly tough one!
   
   These are the most common responses I have observed….
   
   From my experience with my own issues and as a therapist, I would say they all have some good elements but can also all lead to an entire new set of problems.
   
   Since I have encountered GOD and HIS ability to heal us and to restore our soul, I have come to the conclusion that we need to learn a different approach of how to deal with major trauma and setbacks – Job’s story is an inspiration for me.
   He has lost everything he had, and yet, he refused to stop praising GOD and he acknowledged that GOD in HIS sovereignty takes away and gives, and that it is not for us to judge or know why – at least not always…..
   This is a very hard thought to digest and to own – at least I think so.
   Especially when we see GOD blessing others, it can be very, very difficult to remain in our trust for HIM – trust me, I know what I am talking about!
   
   I’ve seen a scripture I had never seen before in this time when I needed to see it the most.
   It was in a different translation, one I don’t normally use, but it really spoke to me:
   
   

Micah 7:8 (Good News Translation)
⁸ Our enemies have no reason to gloat over us.
We have fallen, but we will rise again.
We are in darkness now, but the Lord will give us light.

I know for sure that some people will gloat over my recent defeat / failure.
However, this is between me and GOD.
HE will show me what I need to learn and what my part in this was – and the process has already started.
I may not get what I wanted in the end……
But I am already becoming a better and deeper version of myself and I am beginning to see through the veil of my tears what I can learn from this and how I can upgrade myself………

GOD will do the same thing for you, my friend.

There is absolutely nothing worth pursuing other than what GOD has for you and me in this experience.
HE created us.
HE knew we were about to go through what we are going through.
HE also knows what lies ahead of us and that HE has a plan and a purpose for you and for me.

I hope that this will inspire, encourage, bless and heal you. And that THE LORD will bless you richly in all areas of your life; that HE will keep you and shine HIS face upon you and bring you PEACE. In JESUS’ name I pray. AMEN.